Less than two years ago, the Supreme Court of the United States changed the legal definition of marriage to allow for two people of the same sex to be considered married. Since then, people have continued to chip away at the true meaning of marriage. The argument is that “love is love” as long as it is between two consenting adults.
Lately, I have seen a disturbing rise in people promoting polyamory as a legitimate form of romantic relationships. Though I have seen the encouragement mostly focused towards just respect towards polyamorous relationships, I feel like it is important to remember that romantic relationships should ultimately lead to marriage. If we see distorted romantic relationships, we should be concerned about where they could lead.
If we see distorted romantic relationships, we should be concerned about where they could lead. Click To TweetMy intent with this post is to define poly relationships, explain why they are wrong, and address some popular internet arguments for poly relationships. Next week, I’ll describe why we should care, and provide ideas for how we should respond as Christians.
Poly Definitions
Polyamory is being in multiple romantic relationships.
Polygamy is having multiple spouses.
Polygyny is one man having multiple wives.
Polyandry is one woman having multiple husbands.
It is important to recognize that people in poly relationships emphasize open communication and consent. If there is deception involved, that is not a polyamorous relationship; it is cheating.
I want to make it clear that I am not denying that people can be happy in poly relationships. I believe that people can be immensely happy in poly relationships. However, that is not the point. The question is if those relationships are right, and the answer is a clear and resounding no.
The question is if those relationships are right, and the answer is a clear and resounding no. Click To TweetWhy it is Wrong
Definition of Love
The word “love” in the English language has a variety of meanings, but that is a whole other conversation. Instead, I want to focus on two of my favorite descriptions of love.
The first is “willing the good of the other.” This is applicable to any relationship. We want was is truly best for the other, and what is best for every person is to follow the will of God. I will explain shortly why poly relationships are contrary to the will of God.
The second is drawn from Saint John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Marital love is a total gift of oneself. Obviously, you cannot give a total gift of self to multiple people. To claim otherwise is naive and ignores the sacrificial nature of love.
To claim otherwise is naive and ignores the sacrificial nature of love. Click To TweetChristian Perspective
God has very clearly defined marriage throughout the Bible. From Genesis’s description of man and woman being created for each other to Jesus’s reaffirmation that marriage is one man and one woman becoming one flesh, there are a variety of images of marriage. Most beautifully, we see marriage compared to the relationship of Christ and His Church.
While polygamy is mentioned in the Bible, it is never presented as a valid form of marriage. We must recall that the Bible isn’t just a rulebook; we must look at it with all its different genres and meanings.
Though the Catechism recognizes that converts may have come from a culture and/or religion where polygamy is acceptable, it reaffirms that it is not a valid form of marriage.
2387 The predicament of a man who, desiring to convert to the Gospel, is obliged to repudiate one or more wives with whom he has shared years of conjugal life, is understandable. However polygamy is not in accord with the moral law.” [Conjugal] communion is radically contradicted by polygamy; this, in fact, directly negates the plan of God which was revealed from the beginning, because it is contrary to the equal personal dignity of men and women who in matrimony give themselves with a love that is total and therefore unique and exclusive.”180 The Christian who has previously lived in polygamy has a grave duty in justice to honor the obligations contracted in regard to his former wives and his children.
In the Catholic Church, marriage is a sacrament and is a covenant with God. There is an abundance of resources describing what marriage is. You can start by reading the Catechism (free online). This is a good summary on how marriage is a gift of self. This is an interesting piece on a Catholic Psychology site.
If you are finding yourself struggling with what the Church teaches on marriage, that is ok. We are in a culture that is chipping away at the meaning of marriage, and it can be difficult to reconcile what we experience with what the Church tells us is the truth. There are ways to grapple with Church teaching without being disobedient to the Church.
Secular Perspective
Though Trent Horn is a Catholic apologist, he does a phenomenal job describing two different views of marriage (conjugal versus relational) without mentioning God or religion. This is a blog post he wrote on the topic. He also has a great talk on FORMED called “How to Talk ABout Marriage and Same-Sex Unions.”
Conor Friedersdorf wrote an article for The Atlantic (which is said to lean towards left-center) explaining why “civil marriage should not encompass group unions.” He provides arguments including how damaging polygamy can be for women and low-status men, the lower stability of said relationships, logistical problems, and the fact it is not a human right. Though I don’t agree with all his points, I appreciate his point (bold emphasis mine) “I agree that consenting adults who decide to enter contracts while free of coercion should be permitted to do so, but I disagree that the state is obligated to call these contracts “marriages,” to extend to the parties all benefits of civil marriage, and to rewrite those attributes of civil marriage that are inseparable from two-person unions.”
I won’t go into detail here, but simply put, children do best being raised by their biological parents in most cases. Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but ultimately, we must also recognize that sex leads to children. Marriage involves sex, and we must look at what is best for the potential offspring.
Social Media
I have seen a number of pro-poly posts come across my newsfeed. I wanted to take some time to address them.
“Toxic Monogamy Culture”
A Tumblr user named nankingdecade shared a post that called out “toxic monogamy culture.” Because the website name is incredibly questionable (and NSFW), I have included a screenshot of the original post below.
Most of the things on that list are signs of an unhealthy relationship in general. There are a few points of his that I would like to clarify or dismiss.
“the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else”
We are imperfect beings. I would bet money that most married people have at some point in their marriage found another person attractive. The important thing is how we address it. Fleeting thoughts are not sinful, but dwelling on them is bad. Putting ourselves in a position where we develop an emotional attraction to someone is also a problem. I do believe that people of the opposite sex are able to have healthy friendships. At the same time, I think it is wise to be careful and avoid developing it into so intimate of a relationship that would cause emotional infidelity.
“the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity”
This really depends on what kind of commitment we are talking about. In regards to romantic commitments, it must be exclusive. That is a fundamental aspect of a romantic relationship. However, we can be committed to our friends. We can be committed to our jobs. We can be committed to social causes. However, we are finite humans. We have limited time and energy. If we commit to one thing, there is going to be less attention to something else. We must properly prioritize these commitments.
“the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship”
I’m not going to lie, I had to look up teleological. It essentially means the purpose of something. New Advent, a Catholic Encyclopedia, explains it in much more detail. The purpose of romantic love should be marriage. You can be committed to a friendship, but that is a different kind of love than romantic love.
The purpose of romantic love should be marriage. Click To Tweet“What I am feels right to me.”
Kimchi Cuddles shared a comic about experiencing attraction to both sexes and not wanting to be in an exclusive relationship.
There are two problems with this comic.
- The idea that our attractions are who we are. Our identity is children of God. We should not hinge our identity, the fundamental idea of who we are, on something like our sexual attractions.
- Because we are a certain way (setting aside point 1), it is right. We live in a broken world. There are aspects of our lives that steer away from the perfection of Christ. Their existence in the world doesn’t validate them. We need to test those feelings against what God tells us is His plan for us.
“Monogamy shouldn’t be the default.”
Tumblr user kingdaume shared a post supportive of polyamory.
Though I agree that jealousy and possessiveness shouldn’t be considered healthy parts of a relationship, the rest of her short post should be questioned.
As Christians, we should oppose sin being normalized. As people in general who are concerned about society, we shouldn’t want damaging relationships normalized.
Monogamy shouldn’t just be the default; it should be the only valid romantic relationship.
Monogamy shouldn’t just be the default; it should be the only valid romantic relationship. Click To Tweet
This is excellent! You did a nice job of rebutting the arguments!
Thank you!
It’s so sad things like this are happening.
Jesus, come soon 🙏
I agree. Pray for the nation!
I saw a story about Polyamory a few years ago. I could not wrap my head around it – not judgmentally – just honestly. This was a well thought through and written piece!!
Thank you for your kind words, Allison!
Great post! I haven’t really heard about polyamory that much and your post was very informative 🙂
Thank you. I’m glad it was useful!
Thanks for taking the time to cover this subject so well!
Thank you!
I just wanted to let you know that I’ve published a rebuttal. Perhaps, as an author and Polyamory community leader, I can reply to a fellow author the way tumblr bloggers and cartoonists cannot. I also welcome comments of disagreement on my post and thank you for starting off with some very considerate points about truthful polyamorous definitions and happiness.
https://medium.com/@PolyamoryINC/polyamory-real-love-is-real-love-part-1-3c003c56a39f
DeWayne, thank you for taking the time to write up such a thoughtful response to my piece. I’m always open to constructive dialogue and criticism. I’ll be working on responding to your points; I just want to make sure I give your post the time it deserves. I am so appreciative that you responded and did so respectfully.
Wow, Kate! Thanks for addressing this topic with such facts and grace!
Thank you, Nelly.
How and who are polyamorous relationships hurting anybody? And why do you care? It’s OK if you want to give guidance to people who share your religious beliefs, but why should anybody else have to live by those same rules? I also never get how Christians can advocate the discrimination of marginalised groups when Jesus went out of his way to commune with prostitutes, the sick and poor, the ostracised…
Hi Andy,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog post. I will do my best to answer your questions. Before I get to them, I encourage you to check out the other posts that are part of this series.
Part 2: https://stumblingtowardsainthood.com/polyamory-another-attack-real-love-part-2/
Part 3: https://stumblingtowardsainthood.com/polyamory-another-attack-real-love-part-3/
How and who are polyamorous relationships hurting anybody?
There are a lot of answers to this question. I could point to other counties or different time periods where there were power struggles that resulted in poly relationships being harmful for women. In our current culture, this is less of an issue.
However, poly relationships are still harmful to the individuals involved because it is depriving them of true love and is endangering their immortal souls. It is also a problem for our society as a whole. Families are foundational to our society, and there is a good reason to protect the ideal structure.
We can also look at natural law when it comes to sex. I know there is more to romantic relationships than sex, but it is still worth recognizing that sex should be procreative (an in open to life, not necessarily creating life every time) and unitive. Trying to separate out one disregards the purpose of sex.
I recommend reading the section in this post titled “secular perspective” and the section titled “secular arguments” in my third post of this series. If you’d like to continue the conversation after reviewing those sections, I’d be happy to do so.
And why do you care?
This is the primary focus of the second post in this series. Again, after you read that section, if you have more questions, I’d be happy to discuss them.
Why should anybody else have to live by those same rules?
Because they are the truth. It is in everyone’s best interest to follow what the Christ taught us (as protected and proclaimed by the Catholic Church). I would never force anyone to follow the beliefs, but I’m not going to stay silent about the truth, nor am I going to stay idle if there are laws that try to contradict what God has revealed.
I also never get how Christians can advocate the discrimination of marginalised groups when Jesus went out of his way to commune with prostitutes, the sick and poor, the ostracised…
I’m not sure why you’re bringing this up in the first place as I’m certainly not advocating for discrimination, but I’ll still address this point because it is an important one. Jesus went out of his way to be with prostitutes, tax collectors, etc. because they were in need of healing. He wasn’t just hanging out with them; He was showing them love to change them. He met them where they were at, but He called them to do better, to be better, to reflect God’s image.
We are doomed to repeat history until we learn….clinging to historical thought, values and understanding lead us down that path.
Hi Jen,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m hoping you’re willing to give me a little more information about your comment.
Though I agree that there are many things that should remain in the past (beyond acknowledging how terrible they were), I’m curious what you think is a problem. What do you fear we are doomed to repeat?
I think if you answer the first question, it might answer this, but just in case: why do you think historical thoughts and values are a problem?
I think the reason we fall into trouble is that we stray from the truth. Perhaps this is from an over-adherence to historic values, but I also think it comes from rejecting historical values just because they are from the past. This is why we must look for the truth. If that means change, then we pursue it. If it means accepting historical viewpoints, even if they are challenging, then that is what we should do.
If you don’t agree with Poly, then don’t do it. It’s as simply as that. None of use are saying monogamy is wrong and that it shouldn’t exist. We just know that it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s unfair and unhealthy to force every single person into practicing only one time of a romantic relationship.
Hi Laura,
Not agreeing with Poly isn’t like not liking a certain flavor of ice cream. In the next post of this series, I explained why I care about this issue. I hope you’ll take the time to read it and the last post in the series.
Simply put, when we see things that are a danger to the well-being of others and our society, we should speak out.
Why do you think it is unfair to “force” people into only one romantic relationship? What do you think is unhealthy about it?
Thanks Kate! Well said!
“While polygamy is mentioned in the Bible, it is never presented as a valid form of marriage.”
Whereas this is true by definitions used at the time they took place within the bible, this is not ENTIRELY correct based on our definitions today.
Deuteronomy 25:5-10 makes no exceptions for a brother who is already married. Married or not, it was defined as his duty to take take her as wife and perform the duty of husband’s brother.
This is not stated to justify polygamy, but that was in fact defined in the bible in this specific instance, Also note worth is that it’s something we would look at with horror by todays standards.
I suppose I should’ve worded it better: just because something is in the Bible doesn’t mean it is an endorsement of the act. Christians aren’t held to every law in Scripture.
Anytime man uses his free will there is disorder in the universe. We made a decision whenever our first parents started down the path of earrings a forbidden apple. Humanity tries to satisfy itself with fulfillment of base desires which are a part of original sin. We must constantly strive against our inclination to sin. To take the path that goes through the narrow gate. The hard road. Many souls go to hell since they are actively choosing it. God doesn’t throw us in, we do this ourselves. If our lives and hence our immortal soul are so stained with sin and without repentance, we have no opportunity to be with Him who is complete purity, complete love, living in eternity. If we as humans choose to live according to our own rules, we rejected God and live for pleasing ourselves. This is not the path to sanctity. We all have a free will. God forces nothing on us. Once we invite Him into our lives, sin becomes moreover and more distasteful. Programs and music I once enjoyed I now find nauseating. No one can tell a person what to do. Prayer and penance are what helps convert souls.